He takes and He gives and takes and gives back...

This week I was reminded about how the Lord gives and takes away. Sometimes God allows things to happen in our lives simply because we need a good swift kick in the bottom!

I had my Grace Ann in March 2003. In July of that same year, I became pregnant and lost that baby at 10 (ish) weeks. I was devastated and overwhelmed with guilt. "OH lord, why? What did I do?"

Our marriage began to suffer in huge ways. We slowly started a disconnect that lasted for 3 years. January of 2004, We found our church home. I thank God for Woodsedge and the people there daily! I began to immerse myself there. I was a dried up, used, tired sponge and WE was my source of water. I began to feel refreshed. I was baptized (re baptized as I was baptized when I was a month old...sigh....anyway) in February of that year also. I practically lived at church doing childcare, volunteer work, prayer service, Sunday service....Our lead pastor even mentioned that I might need a cot set up in the prayer room to save me from needing to drive home. :)

We never discussed the miscarriage but I kept track of weeks. When it was time, I would think how I would be in labor soon, or have a baby about now. Tim went on with work and his own guilt of not being able to help me during the miscarriage. He had surgery the day before we lost our baby and was in vicadin land as i was going through it...while caring for Olivia (3 at the time) and Grace (3 mo at the time).

I did not have an affair per say but I was in some sense. I focused all my attention on We and stuff going on there. I avoided Tim and he avoided me. We reminded each other of what had happened plus we had other family issues going on that put us at great odds against each other.

I dealt with things my unhealthy way and Tim did the same. Details are not important but our marriage suffered in awful, painful ways. I became obsessed with becoming pregnant again despite Tim's feelings. I lived at church....almost literally. Tim, as said, handled it his way. We did not handle it together AT ALL!

October 2006 it came to a head and almost in divorce court. I began a bible study by Beth Moore called Daniel. Awesome study...

One of the nights of the study, we were watching the video that goes along with the study. Beth was talking about how sometimes in life, little "issues" get big and before we even know it...its HUGE. We end up thinking "How did this happen? How did this get so big, so bad, so far?" She went on to say that it is at that point in the video where Beth went on to say that its at this point Faith has to kick in. We have to step out on our faith and trust in God to move, to carry us through and prevail when its all through. We have a choice to trust in God. In the beginning of our turmoil Satan seems HUGE and MENACING. But if we trust in God and claw our way through our wilderness, one day we will be able to stand up victorious. We will stand up, out of the gravel with our scrapes and cuts and wounds and look DOWN on satan as we stand victorious over our wilderness. We will be able to look down at that annoying jerk (satan) and he will look up at us and say what we said in the beginning:

" HOW DID YOU GET THIS FAR? HOW DID YOU GET SO BIG, SO STRONG? HOW DID YOU GET THIS FAR?"

I sobbed on my way home that night. I wanted to do that. I wanted to look down at that jerk and say HA HA! I WIN! GOD WINS! IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?"

So the next day, i began a fight that took everything I had. God carried me through, no doubt. At the end though, I was exhausted. But you know what?

Nine months later, God gave back big time.. He allowed pain and suffering to bring us to our knees, to humble us (we needed it!) and to remind us WHO was in charge and WHO we needed to depend on. He brought us through a harsh, painful wilderness unto a gorgeous and beautiful clearing in the woods. He brought us Timothy Shannon Beane II. He gave us a second chance at our life and even trusted us with a new one at the same time. We had messed up our own lives so badly that he has to level us but still entrusted us with a precious, vulnerable, sweet baby boy. Talk about giving back! Talk about grace!

He spoke to me this time not in a peaceful and happy time but spoke with me constantly through the harshest time ever. He speaks in all circumstances. We just have to listen.

Friends...another Godly language

As a young girl, i was very outgoing. There were no strangers just potential friends. My brother used to "use" me to make friends. We would go to the park and he would point out a group of kids playing. I was instructed to go over and ask if we could play..so I would skip over (literally) and introduce myself and ask what the game in progress was....and then of course my brother would come over to "check" on me....and voila!

As time went on, Friendship took on a whole new shape and a whole lot of drama! Oh, the politics involved in female friendships...and the rules! You can talk to Jen and Becky but don't talk to Amy and Joan but you can talk to you Amy if she is with Becky. AAAAHHHH! I was not good at all this. I preferred to talk to whoever I pleased. Consequently, my social status suffered to some degree...at least with the cheerleaders and preppy kids. (And this can be difficult when you ARE a cheerleader)

My college career was a bit crazy. I went to LSU for a year, UNC for 2 and UH for 2. (lovely how travel added on a year of my Bachelor's path) I never formed very strong friendships during these years. I had one friend i thought was a "bff" (as they call it now) but turns out....I was very wrong. (Long long story.)

Being married and not a drinker shot down the most commonly used ways of meeting friends in college. I reasoned that school, working and being married clearly was why I had not a tride and true friend to speak of. I had a lot of friendships and some I thought were concrete only to find out that I was merely a "lay over" of sorts until a new and better choice arrived.

After college, i worked some, had a baby, and then another.....had my step daughter living with us for a bit and that added more chaos. I had co workers and people I called friends but no one I felt I could call at 2 AM with a trauma situation. I really was OK with it on some levels because of past hurts and dis-loyalties. On other levels, I started thinking it was me....what I was/wasn't, who I was/wasn't.....I would try to be something else with each friend I had to see if it worked. No luck.

Then Tim and I found our church home. I met so many people and to this day, I consider them very dear friends. I still longed for the kind i could call on in times of stress and trust with my deepest secrets. I went through awful traumas in my marriage and found that friends were not as true as I thought. I had a miscarriage and found that even more.

I have had friends just stop talking to me, lie to me, avoid me....heck we all have I guess. My experiences though put up a wall of distrust around me. For a time I had NO one I trusted in my life. No pity party...just the way it was.

Then through a bible study I came to realize I had never asked God for this desire of my heart. I had never prayed for my friendships or for God to bring me ones at all. And so I did.....

God is so faithful and good. I asked for one and he gave me so many real, deep, meaningful friendships that I now cherish so much. I call them sisters and I know that if I needed too, I could call any of them at 2am with some trauma or crisis. I know that my status, financially or socially, could not mean any less. Where I shop or who I know grants me no extra points or takes points away. I am me and they like ME that way.

God speaks to me through friends. They have been the heart, hands, feet and love of Christ to me now for a couple years. They laugh with me, joke with me, cry with me, and most importantly....they pray with me. I love them so much and I am blessed to have them. They remind me how much I really do not deserve God's grace but He gives it to me anyway....not because I am good enough but because He loves me and knows we all NEED to feel connected. He made us that way.

For fear of missing a name, i will not name them. You know who you are. :) You are definite sources of my joy, strength, and peace. Through all of you, God speaks to me.

Thank you my sisters....
And Thank God!

My Prince Charming

This man is my husband and my best friend. God speaks in many ways to me and a lot of the time, Tim is the subject. Albeit, our marriage has had its valleys. We have fought HARD to keep our marriage intact and alive! The one way God has spoken to me, shown me His presence, is through the blessing of my guy. He works 16+ hour days...as he is today. He is an amazing daddy. OH, how my girls love their big, strong daddy and OH how he eats that admiration up! I do believe he likes it a bit better than my admiration. ;)

When it is cold outside and our heater kicks on...God immediately puts my husband on my heart. He works hard for us, in every kind of climate, so that we do not have too....When it is 100+ degrees out (add 15 degrees on the ramp where he works), we get to find refuge in our air conditioned house. When it is 30 degrees outside with a harsh wind (and he is outside for a double shift in it) we get to be inside, all warm and cozy.

God speaks to me that way a lot.

We have our marital spats and we do not agree of everything by any means. We are often on opposite ends of things. :) I am a saver. He likes to spend a little. I am a bit more serious and do not smile as much. He smiles at everyone and he smiles in the morning.....OH that reminds me...I am NOT a morning person and he is! (ggrrrr, morning people) I don't drink and he likes a good cold one or two or.... (wink wink) I like quiet get togethers and he fits in just fine at loud and crazy get togethers.

Come to think of it.....what was God thinking! ;)

Despite our opposite natures, God speaks to me a lot in how he has provided me with a guy that has an amazing work ethic and determination for his family. I have someone who works outside for hours on end so that I do not have too. We could be a lot wealthier if I had "paying" job. But God gave me someone who values family a lot more than money, a mommy being home when her kids get off the bus, and the love of God over love of the world.

God speaks to me....
through my husband.

Our Christmas 2009 Miracle: The Gift

Sometimes in life, our wildernesses are short and in other times they are very long. I have wildernesses that are short like a month or two. I have had ones that lasted years like the one we are in now concerning our finances. Times are have been tough. My beloved has MRSA...drug resistant staph. He has had over ten infections in two years. Oral medications now do not make a dent. Tim requires an IV that goes into the heart and delivers meds directly to his heart. The IV stays in about a week each time he needs one. It makes him feel run down, lethargic, and irritable. It also keeps him out of work for at least those 7 or 8 days. It is stressful and scary as many have died from staph infections. It is stressful and scary because I become a single mom of sorts because Tim cannot help in his condition. It is stressful and scary because we lose a weeks worth of pay. I do not deal well with financial stress. Our marriage does not either.

Last year, Tim required IV meds twice...once in June/July and another time at the beginning of the year...I believe. His pay has been cut. Hours are harder to come by. This missed work was the last thing financially that we needed. By the time fall came, we were struggling to stay afloat. Our heads were barely above water and our hearts had already sunk. We were both emotionally bankrupt and very short and irritable...especially with one another. I cried a lot and Tim could not crawl out of the anger/humiliation of feeling that you failed your family.

Christmas time was fast approaching. My mind was consumed with this wilderness. My focus was narrow and dark. I sought counsel with amazing Christian women who prayed for us and who were in the background listening to God's nudging. Bills were sitting on the desk unopened because I saw no point in opening them. Christmas decor was up in and on our house but the spirit of Christmas could not pervade our struggling, worried pieces of flesh.

I sought out comfort with a great woman of faith. I sent her an email asking her what I should do and feel right now. I told her I did not mind God leading me down this difficult path but why, oh God, WHY must my kids be affected this way, at Christmas, for me to learn what God is trying to teach me. My heart hurt for my babies. It just did not seem fair that my sin, my life lessons mean an empty Christmas tree on Christmas morning. This amazing women calmed me and prayed for me. Little did Tim and I know but this dear friend has brought our strife before her small group. They were praying for us...and that truly is the most important and most prized gift we could have asked for. God was touching their hearts I am told, asking them to be his heart, hands and his grace in human form. They acted but not "just enough" to "satisfy" what God was asking. They went above and way, way beyond.

Our friend came with a red present shaped cookie jar and a card. She visited and then left. We finished our yard work and put the gift inside on our bed to look at later.

A few days before, I had suddenly walked face first into a wall of peace. It was incredible. Tim and I miraculously felt calm and certain that all would work out. I told Tim the morning the "gift" arrived..."It is going to be OK." I had prepared( sometime before) a speech for my kids about why we had no gifts and why we should still celebrate and be thankful. I no longer felt the need to give. "That's weird" I thought....Nothing has changed but I do not feel led to tell the kids now and I feel GREAT! I was so happy and at peace....so not me during times of financial stress.

Then came "the gift."

It started to get dark and we headed inside. Kids got their baths started. I sat on the bed and opened the card. I read it to Tim.

"What's inside the cookie jar?" (Tim to me)
"Nothing I don't think." (me to Tim)
Well look....if there are cookies I want one. (Tim to me)

I pulled out an envelope. It felt thick....very, very thick.

I pulled out an insane amount of love and kindness and held it up to show Tim. My dear husband is not an emotional guy...not a crier like me. :) Today though...today he could not believe God's grace and love for him and it touched him more than anything ever that I had seen....

The amount of the gift is not relevant. The size of the gift though is huge. Its impact is huge. Its meaning is priceless.

God cares. He cares if you are sick and need healing. He cares for marriages falling apart. He cares for soldiers serving in war torn countries. He cares if you are late and need a few more green lights than red this morning. He cares that you do not have and need a gift.

I loved these ladies and adored their families before but now...I cannot describe it. The gift did not make me love them more. I loved them anyway. What this did for me what show me that in our wilderness, I am not alone. No matter the kind of gift...prayer, hugs, help.....Those are important but not what matters most. The gift that had a tangible value was great but can never compare to the gift of knowing you are not alone. I do have friends....real one, good ones...NO! Great ones! Amazing ones! Real ones! What a gift!

In my wilderness God took my prayers for help and showed me that I expect too little from him. He showed me that I need to increase my faith and to believe even when the circumstances suggest I should not. "Yes expect things from me, " he told me "just remember I am God sized...think bigger and more importantly...think better!"

God rarely handles things the way I think they should be handled....and I thank God for that!

Think bigger and better because God is bigger and He is so much better!

Reminders in my Wilderness

Recently my bible study group has started a wonderful study by Priscilla Shirer called "One in a million." This past Thursday she recommended created a file on our computer to remind us in our wilderness of God's movement in our lives, in our past to remind us that He has come through so many times before. And He will again. I have so many. I am going to start blogging them. They will not go in order. My brain has not been "in order" for several years now. I don't supposed that order matter though. I think what matters is to remember them. Wildernesses will never stop coming into our lives so we've got to re-train our brains. I have got to retrain mine for sure to make myself ask myself "Why are you so afraid? Has God not saved you every time you needed it? Has He EVER let you down?"

The first one that comes to mind is my first born Olivia. June 22nd of 2000, I was induced. My fluid levels were decreasing. I was retaining scary amounts of fluid. It was just time. I was admitted in the evening hours of June 22nd. I was given drugs to induce labor. And it did....a little bit. My doctor actually mentioned when it was all over that she had not given that amount of medication (Ptosin) to anyone that she can recall. OH, how they tried to get that baby to come out. They increased the meds and stopped them. They increased them more and stopped them. I would get an pain here and there but nothing that felt like labor really. Why would this baby not come out?

The next day...almost 24 hours later, my doctor said it was time for an emergency C section. The baby was showing distress and we were all a bit anxious. I had only dilated to a one. No more.

They hooked me up to more meds. They put me on an OR table. Soon, I heard counting.
ONE
TWO
THREE!

UMMM, hello! Yah over here behind the blue curtain! Um, yah....three? of what? There is nothing on my baby that should be in 3's...

eyes: two
nose: one
ears:two
mouth:one
fingers:ten
toes:ten

NO THREES! The counting was followed by silence. My husband's face drained of color.

HELLO! What is wrong?

"Wait a sec." Tim tells me.

It was only about 5 seconds but it seemed forever. No crying for FIVE seconds. Then...

you heard her deep breath and crying (ironically that did not stop for 12 weeks).

Olivia Nichole was born at 3:56pm on June 23,2000. She was totally purple. The cord was wrapped around her next THREE times. Had I dilated...Had I pushed ONE time....we would be minus ONE very important and precious Boo.

When human, medical science told my body to dilate..to push this baby out.....God said NO!

When doctors said more meds, lets try again...God said "Did you not hear me say NO?"

I did not even realize it but I was in the middle of a possible life shattering wilderness. I had no idea. He did. He spoke.

I heard. I listened.
I will never forget again...

(Olivia is one of the far right in picture)