This week I was reminded about how the Lord gives and takes away. Sometimes God allows things to happen in our lives simply because we need a good swift kick in the bottom!
I had my Grace Ann in March 2003. In July of that same year, I became pregnant and lost that baby at 10 (ish) weeks. I was devastated and overwhelmed with guilt. "OH lord, why? What did I do?"
Our marriage began to suffer in huge ways. We slowly started a disconnect that lasted for 3 years. January of 2004, We found our church home. I thank God for Woodsedge and the people there daily! I began to immerse myself there. I was a dried up, used, tired sponge and WE was my source of water. I began to feel refreshed. I was baptized (re baptized as I was baptized when I was a month old...sigh....anyway) in February of that year also. I practically lived at church doing childcare, volunteer work, prayer service, Sunday service....Our lead pastor even mentioned that I might need a cot set up in the prayer room to save me from needing to drive home. :)
We never discussed the miscarriage but I kept track of weeks. When it was time, I would think how I would be in labor soon, or have a baby about now. Tim went on with work and his own guilt of not being able to help me during the miscarriage. He had surgery the day before we lost our baby and was in vicadin land as i was going through it...while caring for Olivia (3 at the time) and Grace (3 mo at the time).
I did not have an affair per say but I was in some sense. I focused all my attention on We and stuff going on there. I avoided Tim and he avoided me. We reminded each other of what had happened plus we had other family issues going on that put us at great odds against each other.
I dealt with things my unhealthy way and Tim did the same. Details are not important but our marriage suffered in awful, painful ways. I became obsessed with becoming pregnant again despite Tim's feelings. I lived at church....almost literally. Tim, as said, handled it his way. We did not handle it together AT ALL!
October 2006 it came to a head and almost in divorce court. I began a bible study by Beth Moore called Daniel. Awesome study...
One of the nights of the study, we were watching the video that goes along with the study. Beth was talking about how sometimes in life, little "issues" get big and before we even know it...its HUGE. We end up thinking "How did this happen? How did this get so big, so bad, so far?" She went on to say that it is at that point in the video where Beth went on to say that its at this point Faith has to kick in. We have to step out on our faith and trust in God to move, to carry us through and prevail when its all through. We have a choice to trust in God. In the beginning of our turmoil Satan seems HUGE and MENACING. But if we trust in God and claw our way through our wilderness, one day we will be able to stand up victorious. We will stand up, out of the gravel with our scrapes and cuts and wounds and look DOWN on satan as we stand victorious over our wilderness. We will be able to look down at that annoying jerk (satan) and he will look up at us and say what we said in the beginning:
" HOW DID YOU GET THIS FAR? HOW DID YOU GET SO BIG, SO STRONG? HOW DID YOU GET THIS FAR?"
I sobbed on my way home that night. I wanted to do that. I wanted to look down at that jerk and say HA HA! I WIN! GOD WINS! IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?"
So the next day, i began a fight that took everything I had. God carried me through, no doubt. At the end though, I was exhausted. But you know what?
Nine months later, God gave back big time.. He allowed pain and suffering to bring us to our knees, to humble us (we needed it!) and to remind us WHO was in charge and WHO we needed to depend on. He brought us through a harsh, painful wilderness unto a gorgeous and beautiful clearing in the woods. He brought us Timothy Shannon Beane II. He gave us a second chance at our life and even trusted us with a new one at the same time. We had messed up our own lives so badly that he has to level us but still entrusted us with a precious, vulnerable, sweet baby boy. Talk about giving back! Talk about grace!
He spoke to me this time not in a peaceful and happy time but spoke with me constantly through the harshest time ever. He speaks in all circumstances. We just have to listen.
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