Our Christmas 2009 Miracle: The Gift

Sometimes in life, our wildernesses are short and in other times they are very long. I have wildernesses that are short like a month or two. I have had ones that lasted years like the one we are in now concerning our finances. Times are have been tough. My beloved has MRSA...drug resistant staph. He has had over ten infections in two years. Oral medications now do not make a dent. Tim requires an IV that goes into the heart and delivers meds directly to his heart. The IV stays in about a week each time he needs one. It makes him feel run down, lethargic, and irritable. It also keeps him out of work for at least those 7 or 8 days. It is stressful and scary as many have died from staph infections. It is stressful and scary because I become a single mom of sorts because Tim cannot help in his condition. It is stressful and scary because we lose a weeks worth of pay. I do not deal well with financial stress. Our marriage does not either.

Last year, Tim required IV meds twice...once in June/July and another time at the beginning of the year...I believe. His pay has been cut. Hours are harder to come by. This missed work was the last thing financially that we needed. By the time fall came, we were struggling to stay afloat. Our heads were barely above water and our hearts had already sunk. We were both emotionally bankrupt and very short and irritable...especially with one another. I cried a lot and Tim could not crawl out of the anger/humiliation of feeling that you failed your family.

Christmas time was fast approaching. My mind was consumed with this wilderness. My focus was narrow and dark. I sought counsel with amazing Christian women who prayed for us and who were in the background listening to God's nudging. Bills were sitting on the desk unopened because I saw no point in opening them. Christmas decor was up in and on our house but the spirit of Christmas could not pervade our struggling, worried pieces of flesh.

I sought out comfort with a great woman of faith. I sent her an email asking her what I should do and feel right now. I told her I did not mind God leading me down this difficult path but why, oh God, WHY must my kids be affected this way, at Christmas, for me to learn what God is trying to teach me. My heart hurt for my babies. It just did not seem fair that my sin, my life lessons mean an empty Christmas tree on Christmas morning. This amazing women calmed me and prayed for me. Little did Tim and I know but this dear friend has brought our strife before her small group. They were praying for us...and that truly is the most important and most prized gift we could have asked for. God was touching their hearts I am told, asking them to be his heart, hands and his grace in human form. They acted but not "just enough" to "satisfy" what God was asking. They went above and way, way beyond.

Our friend came with a red present shaped cookie jar and a card. She visited and then left. We finished our yard work and put the gift inside on our bed to look at later.

A few days before, I had suddenly walked face first into a wall of peace. It was incredible. Tim and I miraculously felt calm and certain that all would work out. I told Tim the morning the "gift" arrived..."It is going to be OK." I had prepared( sometime before) a speech for my kids about why we had no gifts and why we should still celebrate and be thankful. I no longer felt the need to give. "That's weird" I thought....Nothing has changed but I do not feel led to tell the kids now and I feel GREAT! I was so happy and at peace....so not me during times of financial stress.

Then came "the gift."

It started to get dark and we headed inside. Kids got their baths started. I sat on the bed and opened the card. I read it to Tim.

"What's inside the cookie jar?" (Tim to me)
"Nothing I don't think." (me to Tim)
Well look....if there are cookies I want one. (Tim to me)

I pulled out an envelope. It felt thick....very, very thick.

I pulled out an insane amount of love and kindness and held it up to show Tim. My dear husband is not an emotional guy...not a crier like me. :) Today though...today he could not believe God's grace and love for him and it touched him more than anything ever that I had seen....

The amount of the gift is not relevant. The size of the gift though is huge. Its impact is huge. Its meaning is priceless.

God cares. He cares if you are sick and need healing. He cares for marriages falling apart. He cares for soldiers serving in war torn countries. He cares if you are late and need a few more green lights than red this morning. He cares that you do not have and need a gift.

I loved these ladies and adored their families before but now...I cannot describe it. The gift did not make me love them more. I loved them anyway. What this did for me what show me that in our wilderness, I am not alone. No matter the kind of gift...prayer, hugs, help.....Those are important but not what matters most. The gift that had a tangible value was great but can never compare to the gift of knowing you are not alone. I do have friends....real one, good ones...NO! Great ones! Amazing ones! Real ones! What a gift!

In my wilderness God took my prayers for help and showed me that I expect too little from him. He showed me that I need to increase my faith and to believe even when the circumstances suggest I should not. "Yes expect things from me, " he told me "just remember I am God sized...think bigger and more importantly...think better!"

God rarely handles things the way I think they should be handled....and I thank God for that!

Think bigger and better because God is bigger and He is so much better!